Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Secret #1: Never Check "Yes"

It came in a large-ish envelope with those red-and-blue hashes around the edge, like on an actual international-mail envelope. But the postmark was domestic.

Right away the letter started in with the flattery. The mustache does not abide flattery. It said,

McG, please forgive us, but we have taken a closer look at your profile. It turns out you're even more special than any of us imagined!

I'd like to know how they got their hands on my bank balance -- I mean, profile.

Notice: this is not a mass mailing; this letter came to you by first-class mail, not by third-class bulk mail.

The going rate for first-class mail, according to the U.S. Postal Service, is 49¢ -- but the postage stamped on the envelope was only 40¢. You don't get that kind of discount unless you're sending large quantities of first-class mail. Not to mention the fact this wad of ... paper can't possibly have come in at only one ounce.

McG, we are the rich, the famous, the powerful -- and the crème de la crème of society; famous sports and movie stars, musicians, billionaires, businessmen, intellectuals, and scientists.

Do tell. Nice use of the Oxford comma -- you've got that going for you at least.

I wish I could tell you who I am. But under advice from my counsel, I cannot reveal my full name.

So you're pleading the Fifth?

I don't mean to brag, but I'm one of the most famous people in the world. If you own a TV, listen to the radio, browse the internet

...look at the flyers on the post office wall...

there's barely a day that goes by that I'm not mentioned in a news story.

Fools' names and fools' faces are often seen in public places.

The Society has uncovered the World's most powerful secrets. Most people will never know them. We are only willing to share them with our members.

Every successful person throughout history knew the secrets. And that's why they were successful, rich, happy, healthy, and powerful. It's a blueprint for your success. And I will send the secrets to you FREE of charge. Why?

Because I am nominating you for membership into the Society.

My guru, Groucho Marx, will present my answer.

You'll note that this letter is marked "FOR YOU ONLY". It is meant to be read by you and you alone, McG. Its contents are TOP SECRET and contain sensitive information which cannot be shared by anyone except the recipient.

These words are intended for your eyes only. They are not to be shared with anyone else.



  1. It's okay. I promise not to read it, even though it's right there on the upper part of the screen.

  2. You, sir, are a great American.